This post is written specifically to the gentlemen. I thought I knew how guys were, but this past summer showed me how misguided that assumption was. Over six weeks, I went from dreading the presence of my male counterparts to enjoying their friendship so much that I consider them my brothers. While I am not for man bashing, I do want take the time to give you a brief glimpse into the female psyche and debunk several myths. In true Jyess fashion, I will not attempt to sugar coat the truth. If you are the men you claim to be, you should have no problem stomaching my words of wisdom. Believe it or not, my words actually stem from a compassionate heart.
In my observation, the ages of 19-21 are crucial in a man’s life. Sure, you’re an adult. You look like one and hopefully, you sound like one (unless you’re a late bloomer. Patience is a virtue?) However, these three years are major in your becoming the man God created you to be. You have many lessons to learn. It’s high time you realize the importance of this.
#1.) Stop whining… and start moving.
If you find yourself single for a season, don’t whine about it. This is a time of preparation to get yourself for ready for your future “Mrs.” Do you have a job? If not, you should start pounding the pavement. If you manage to get a girl without having any financial stability, it’s obvious that she has set the bar really low.
#2.) There’s a fine line between pursuing and pestering.
While we, the female population, are thrilled that you are taking the initiative to “man up”, if you consistently pursue a girl and she doesn’t show the same affections, it would be wise for you to take a time-out and evaluate your motives. Are you pursuing her because you value her and would like to get to know her on a deeper level or is it merely because you crave female attention? If you honestly identify with the latter, manufacturing a relationship out of thin air will inevitably fail. Why? Because you have no idea who you are. Which leads to numero tres…
#3.) Friendship first.
I’ve talked with several young men who have blatantly described the attributes of their future wife. While is it noble to have a list of characteristics for your future beloved, it’s foolish to expect her to fall from the sky. No woman, if she is worthy of becoming your wife, is going to fall for your mediocre looks and flat one-liners alone. Inspect the girl you’re considering pursuing. Is she someone that you could have a genuine friendship with? If not, you need to run. Run far away, because a relationship that isn’t based on Christ first and friendship second is doomed for failure after the first date. True love is formed out of a friendship that places the needs of the other before your own. If you can’t be self-sacrificing in a friendship, don’t even bother with taking it to the next level.
#4.) Quit worrying about your outer appearance and deal with the inner man.
I have a confession to make. I, Jyess and many other women, could personally care less what you look like. Sure, there is some importance placed on the physical, but that isn’t what keeps us attracted to you. It is your substance that maintains our interest. You might work out religiously, but in 10 years it’s inevitably going to turn to flab. We cherish you as a complete person (spiritual + mental + physical) and wish that you could see things from our perspective. If you have issues with anger, self esteem, or need to re-establish God as the center of your life, do it now. If you wait until you have a girl, you’ll just be going through the motions per her request. Get busy getting your life in order now, so that when you find her you will be ready.
#5.) Humble soul searching earns the attention of Godly women.
As women, we desperately want men to pursue us. Not just your average Joe, but a man who takes God seriously and has put in the time seeking after Him. We don’t care how intelligent you appear to the masses. We are primarily concerned with your true character. Are you serving “the least of these” without seeking recognition? Are you setting aside time to be alone with God? Do you take your future marriage vows seriously by not giving in to lust or rushing into physical relationships? We notice these things. We don’t broadcast our observations, but take heed that we can see straight through your act. If you’ve convinced yourself that the “bad boy” approach is what women want, you couldn’t be farther away from the truth. In time all things will be revealed. Make sure that it’s your Godly character instead of your hypocrisy that gets exposed.
p.s. I apologize if you have been previously led on by selfish girls (not women) who manipulated you. However, let the past be the past and move forward. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve gotten. ’Tis time to break the cycle.
With these truthful words I seal my fate,
~Jyess
Great post Jessica! Or should I call you “Jyess”? How does one pronounce that anyway?
Great stuff!
“No woman, if she is worthy of becoming your wife, is going to fall for your mediocre looks and flat one-liners alone.” // Very funny…and very true!
Unfortunately, although both guys and girls deem spiritual maturity to be a necessity and absolute importance, we don’t always live that out. I’ve seen girls go against their better judgment and get into a relationship with a guy even though he was not a spiritual leader. Since he was a “Christian” by name, that seemed to be enough.
Likewise, I’ve also seen many guys fake their spirituality to try to attract girls. It’s a game that can only be played for so long before true character shows, but its deception can work for a period of time. That’s why I would caution girls to really get to know the heart of a guy before jumping into anything. See if consistency is present and if his heart is genuine, not just a show to impress you.
Jacob – It’s pronounced “J-YESSSSS”. It was a nickname that I acquired from Cumberland Camp and a term of endearment from the young men who inspired this post.
David – I appreciate your feedback. Our culture immediately assumes that “boy + girl = relationship”. We have followed this mindset and then wonder why we always end up getting burned. Not to place blame on anyone, but it seems like we’re so impatient in waiting for God that we rush into flippant relationships. If we could stay focused on the big picture of serving God and how He wishes to bring marriage into our life, we wouldn’t get so caught up in having a relationship for our personal status.