Beautiful Boldness: All the Single Ladies

After yesterday’s episodic lesson to the boys, it is only fair that I reverse the roles.  Foremost, I want you, dear reader, to know that as I write this, I am serving up myself a slice of humble pie by taking my own advice.  Singleness is not the plague.  No one dies of singleness, but those who don’t take advantage of this precious season live to regret it. Guys, if you’re still reeling from yesterday, take heart because this one goes out to “All the Single Ladies”.  So, without further ado, here are a few brutally honest suggestions until “he likes it enough to put a ring on it”:

#1.) Patience, Young Grasshopper.

We live in society of instant gratification.  From iTunes to Facebook, and now Twitter, if we want something, we are just one click away from making it happen.  However, relationships (at least Godly, healthy ones) aren’t so easy.  They aren’t microwaveable TV dinners but rather pot roasts that take all day to marinate.  (Okay, now I’m hungry.)  Patience is key. If your interested in a guy, and you have subtly let him know of your interest, let him take the initiative to pursue you.  Don’t stalk him on Facebook, incessantly text him, or any other weird criminal offense that could land you in jail.  Desperate women + need for attention = orange jumpsuit.

Also, refrain from meeting a guy to marriage in 2.5 seconds. Let me clarify:

Sarah: Your name’s Webster? Webster….?

Webster: Davis.  I’m Webster Davis.

Sarah: (thinking to herself) Well, Mrs. Davis does have a nice ring to it.

I wish we all had someone to slap our hand every time we were guilty of this.

#2.) The Rise of Suzy Homemaker.

I used to cringe at the idea of stay-at-home wife.  Like seriously, who would honestly enjoy doing laundry, cooking and cleaning all day?  That was before I had a home of my own.  While I don’t enjoy the mundane task of grocery shopping, I’m now a huge fan of cooking dinner for people. Improve your marriage marketability by brushing up on your homemaking skills. Ladies, if you can’t run your house (or dorm room) now, it’s not going to magically change once you’re married. I’m sure your future husband will be ever thankful for your culinary, laundering and magnificent cleaning talents. Even if you never get married, you’ll still have experience efficiently running a household that can serve as a refuge for those needing a place to stay.

#3.) The Art of Mystery (or Reverse Diarrhea of the Mouth)

As women, communication is our strength.  However, sometimes this leads to our demise.  My beloved friend Mackenzie Wallace (not her real name) has a huge problem with being mysterious.  She’s so afraid that she can’t capture a man’s attention, that when she finally does, it’s like a machine gun avalanche of information.  I like to call it “Overwhelming Men with Your Awesomeness”.

Instead of giving him the bulleted spark notes version, give him time to discover you like a classic novel. In time, he’ll find out how awesome you are.  Retaining your mystery doesn’t mean that you avoid him altogether, but it does mean that you shouldn’t rush into talking about your life’s passions in intimate detail.  By not emotionally giving yourself to every guy who looks your way, you’re saving pieces of yourself for your future husband.  And believe me, that guy will have worked hard enough to deserve it.

#4.) Nobody Likes A Cry Baby … Or An Incessant Flirt

Manipulation is truly a force to be reckoned with.  It doesn’t help that shows like “The Bachelor” highlight such behaviors.  As women, we have the powerful tool of using our tears to make a man’s heart turn to sympathetic mush.  The problem is knowing when to genuinely let emotion escape through our tears and when we’re just aiming for dramatic effect.  It all comes down to the motive.  Are you crying because something has stirred your soul or are you using it as a last resort to get your way?  Check yo self before you wreck yo self, girlfriend.

By the way, I’ve heard many girls say, “I just get along better with guys than girls” as a just reason to why they have a plethora of male buddies and few female friends.  Why is that?  I find it interesting that the same young women who proclaim this statement are the ones who post on their profiles that they “can’t stand drama”.  I’m sorry, honey, but if you’re one chick hanging around a bunch of guys, you are inviting drama into your life.

While guys like the attention of an incessant flirt, a real man won’t settle down with one.  Leave your catty behavior at the back door and develop friendships with women of all generations.  Despite what society says, you need this fellowship more than you know.  The sooner you realize this, the less heartache you’ll endure later.

#5.) Kiss the Cookie Cutter Goodbye And Be Original.

During this time of singleness, find out who you are.  Find out what you like.  For heaven’s sake, please read books of intellectual depth.  Nothing pains me more than to see a gorgeous girl with cobwebs for a brain.  It is those women who have distracted the male population for far enough.  You can’t base the status of your entire love life on immodest clothes and ridiculously high heels.  Become a woman of substance.  One way of doing this is to take Scripture seriously.  It’s okay for women to become Biblical scholars.  Plus, men need women to hold them accountable according to Biblical standards.

#6.) Unrealistic Expectations of  Prince Charming.

Okay ladies, I’m going to be extremely frank on this subject.  Let’s talk about this whole “Prince Charming” notion.  Sure, it’s a romantic and classic fairytale.  However, as Mrs. Carol Reid eloquently puts it, “Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and even if he did, he probably wouldn’t  date you.”   I’m in favor of having high standards for my dating relationships. Why settle for McDonald’s when you can afford J.Alexander’s?  The problem with setting expectations too high is that no mortal man is able to reach it.  We are all fallible humans incapable of perfection.  If a strong Christian guy, whom you are friends with, asks you out on a date, you should go. You’re thinking, “But, he doesn’t look anything like the man I’d pictured myself with.”  Answer these three questions and if you can answer yes to all of them, YOU SHOULD GO OUT WITH HIM.

1. Is he a spiritual leader?
2. Does he treat women with respect?
3. Does he have a job?

Lastly, I’m a firm believer in mulligans.  If you got out with a guy and the date flops, at least give him another chance.  Maybe he was nervous?  Maybe he had a bad day?  Or maybe he was so enraptured by your beauty that he was unable to speak coherently.  Sometimes, you just gotta give a little grace.

And it came to pass,

~Jyess

Beautiful Boldness: Boys (Lesson One).

This post is written specifically to the gentlemen.  I thought I knew how guys were, but this past summer showed me how misguided that assumption was.  Over six weeks, I went from dreading the presence of my male counterparts to enjoying their friendship so much that I consider them my brothers. While I am not for man bashing, I do want take the time to give you a brief glimpse into the female psyche and debunk several myths.  In true Jyess fashion, I will not attempt to sugar coat the truth.  If you are the men you claim to be, you should have no problem stomaching my words of wisdom.  Believe it or not, my words actually stem from a compassionate heart.

In my observation, the ages of 19-21 are crucial in a man’s life.  Sure, you’re an adult.  You look like one and hopefully, you sound like one (unless you’re a late bloomer.  Patience is a virtue?)   However, these three years are major in your becoming the man God created you to be.  You have many lessons to learn.  It’s high time you realize the importance of this.

#1.) Stop whining… and start moving.

If you find yourself single for a season, don’t whine about it.  This is a time of preparation to get yourself for ready for your future “Mrs.”  Do you have a job?  If not, you should start pounding the pavement.  If you manage to get a girl without having any financial stability, it’s obvious that she has set the bar really low.

#2.) There’s a fine line between pursuing and pestering.

While we, the female population, are thrilled that you are taking the initiative to “man up”, if you consistently pursue a girl and she doesn’t show the same affections, it would be wise for you to take a time-out and evaluate your motives.  Are you pursuing her because you value her and would like to get to know her on a deeper level or is it merely because you crave female attention?  If you honestly identify with the latter, manufacturing a relationship out of thin air will inevitably fail.  Why?  Because you have no idea who you are.  Which leads to numero tres…

#3.) Friendship first.

I’ve talked with several young men who have blatantly described the attributes of their future wife.  While is it noble to have a list of characteristics for your future beloved, it’s foolish to expect her to fall from the sky.  No woman, if she is worthy of becoming your wife, is going to fall for your mediocre looks and flat one-liners alone.  Inspect the girl you’re considering pursuing.  Is she someone that you could have a genuine friendship with?  If not, you need to run.  Run far away, because a relationship that isn’t based on Christ first and friendship second is doomed for failure after the first date.  True love is formed out of a friendship that places the needs of the other before your own.  If you can’t be self-sacrificing in a friendship, don’t even bother with taking it to the next level.

#4.) Quit worrying about your outer appearance and deal with the inner man.

I have a confession to make.  I, Jyess and many other women, could personally care less what you look like.  Sure, there is some importance placed on the physical, but that isn’t what keeps us attracted to you.  It is your substance that maintains our interest.  You might work out religiously, but in 10 years it’s inevitably going to turn to flab.  We cherish you as a complete person (spiritual + mental + physical) and wish that you could see things from our perspective. If you have issues with anger, self esteem, or need to re-establish God as the center of your life, do it now.  If you wait until you have a girl, you’ll just be going through the motions per her request. Get busy getting your life in order now, so that when you find her you will be ready.

#5.) Humble soul searching earns the attention of Godly women.

As women, we desperately want men to pursue us.  Not just your average Joe, but a man who takes God seriously and has put in the time seeking after Him.  We don’t care how intelligent you appear to the masses.  We are primarily concerned with your true character.  Are you serving “the least of these” without seeking recognition?  Are you setting aside time to be alone with God?  Do you take your future marriage vows seriously by not giving in to lust or rushing into physical relationships?  We notice these things.  We don’t broadcast our observations, but take heed that we can see straight through your act.  If you’ve convinced yourself that the “bad boy” approach is what women want, you couldn’t be farther away from the truth.  In time all things will be revealed.  Make sure that it’s your Godly character instead of your hypocrisy that gets exposed.

p.s. I apologize if you have been previously led on by selfish girls (not women) who manipulated you.  However, let the past be the past and move forward.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve gotten.  ’Tis time to break the cycle.

With these truthful words I seal my fate,

~Jyess

Beautiful Boldness: Legacy.

Legacy.

Hazel, Mersadis, Gloria, Earline, Mary-Kate, Jodonne – these women, along with a plethora of others, have invested great time over the years in making sure that I developed into a young woman who whole heartedly pursed after God.  Without the influence of these women, I would have ceased to stay focused on who I am in sight of who God is.  Aside from the presence of women that I actually know, my other role models for Biblical femininity are Laura Belle Barnard, Corrie ten Boom, and Ruth Bell Graham.  Today, I’m going to focus on Ruth’s legacy.

I value Ruth because I admire her character.  She was witty and spoke her mind.  She loved people and adventure.  But above all, she was real.  She was transparent in revealing her struggles, and through it all she drew people closer to God simply by sharing her own story.  Her love for Christ was evident. I’m thankful for Ruth’s candidness in her writing and her honesty as she chronicled God’s faithfulness in her journal. Even after her passing, though people remembered Ruth’s humor and intellect, they could not stop talking about how her faith influenced them:

“If she’s talking to you, she’s talking to you, she’s not looking past you. You may only have her for a few seconds, but you’ve got her attention and she’s listening to what you’re saying.” – Dan Rather

~

“They asked her did she ever think about divorce and she said, ‘No, I’ve never thought of divorce in all these 35 years of marriage, but,’ she said, ‘I did think of murder a few times.’”
- Billy Graham, on Phil Donahue

~

“My mother was in love with Jesus…and that love was contagious,” Lotz shared. “She wasn’t caught up in religion or tradition or rituals-she was caught up in a personal relationship with Jesus.” – Her daughter Ann Graham Lotz

~

“Billy’s told me over and over again that Ruth is the real Christian in the family.”
- Barbara Bush

~

“She likes to help someone that’s in trouble. You know she couldn’t go to Tibet, so she endeavored to help people by her written word, and by love in action behind the scenes.”
- Karlene Shea

Carving out my own,

~Jyess